Baby steps/drops in the bucket?

I'm really not posting this with the intent of getting validation from anyone so please do not feel that's what I'm looking for here.  Mostly this would be just a vent and an airing of my own frustration.

Being a student is hard.  Being a mother is hard.  Being a wife is hard.  Being a helpful daughter is hard.  Combine all of those and it's damn near impossible.  Every time I try to up my effort in one of these categories, another one starts to fall apart and it's this very fine line between balance and complete and destructive chaos.

So then I end up feeling sub par when it comes to all of them.  I'm not a good enough student, mom, wife or daughter and it's KILLING ME.

And I know it's all about perspective and I should cut myself a break but I can't seem to stop focusing on my inadequacies when my kids are screaming at me, my house smells like dirty laundry and moldy dishes, I haven't had a conversation with Jim in weeks and I forgot to finish my homework AGAIN.

15 more months.  I can do this for 15 more months right?

Thoughts on Idaho

I dreaded going to Idaho for several years after high school.  For reasons not worth discussing, I had a lot of unpleasant memories that I was happy to leave behind.  People always ponder the reasons why I headed to Dixie College instead of Ricks (BYU-I) but I guess I needed to get away.  I've been back but mostly to see Terri Beckley or do a favor for a sibling who needed a road trip buddy (and I'm the BEST road trip buddy you can find). 

I was truly looking forward to this trip though, seeing the places we lived (and there were several), eating at our favorite restaurants, spending time with my family (and seeing HANNA!!!).

As our plane was landing, there was this feeling of "home" that I can't remember having for a long time and I LOVED it!  It was fun to show Jim all the places in my childhood that meant things to me and for once I didn't think about the crappy things I left behind.  The bad memories are gone and I can remember the good ones again so in some ways, I think it was therapeutic.

Maybe it took having kids of my own to see it and appreciate it but for the first time, I can imagine what my parents felt when they arrived in town and thought "This would be a good place to raise our kids."

Life

What would you do if you had only six months to live?

Land of the living...momentarily

Happy 11 years of marriage to my sweetheart.  We had a nice dinner out last night and went to see The Dark Knight.  It was sweet and simple and perfect :)

The girls went back to school at Rover this past week and they are loving every minute of it.  Ainsley is in 4th grade and is so excited to be starting orchestra.  She has decided to play the viola and I could NOT be happier!

Caelan started 1st grade and very badly wants to start dance lessons again so once things settle down after school starts, we may need to look into that.

My little sister Mallory got married last weekend and it was very sweet, pictures to come shortly of course.  They are on the camera at my mom's house so it will have to wait until tomorrow.

I cut about 8" off my hair a few days ago.  I figured with school starting, it wasn't practical to be necessitating 45 minutes for blow drying the mop so I'm quite pleased with the new faster hairdo.

Quinn reached her 18 month milestone and now gets to go to nursery which makes church oh so enjoyable finally!  She is quite a little monster but man does that kid make us all laugh.

Ainsley turns 9 next week and we are celebrating her birthday tomorrow at my mom's house.

More pictures to come shortly!

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Whirlwinds and tornadoes

So much has happened and I kept thinking I wanted to blog it all but I kept running out of time.

So school started January and I managed to get my acceptance and financial aid finished in the nick of time (3 days into the semester and only 4 hours before registration was shut down until summer semester, how's that for procrastinating?)  It was an AMAZING semester.  I had some great classes, educational insight, the revelation that I do in fact want to be a teacher and the equally important revelation that I will be very good at it.  I finished this semester having still worked about 20 hours a week as a transcriptionist, attending 3 in person classes and 3 online classes, still taking care of 3.5 children and managed to pull a 3.75 GPA out of it.  I'm very proud of my accomplishment even though I'm still recovering from the shock of how overwhelming it was.  I sure hate the outrageous tuition cost but I'm very glad of my choice to attend ASU.  It really is a great school.

I am still working as a transcriptionist though and I'm not sure how much longer I can.  I might cut back in the fall.  I should probably quit but I can't see myself giving it up completely.  Yes it overwhelms me a lot of the time but I do like my job.  If we can manage, I was thinking I might work just enough to maybe take on a small car payment and upgrade the ugly minivan (which I guess is also news, no more giant Ford Expedition).

I sold the Expedition mostly because I couldn't stomach the awful miles per gallon.  I was only getting around 8 or 9 and I get close to 20 in the minivan.  Still not great but much better.  I managed to buy the ugly van for what I sold the falling apart expedition for so it was a wash and it's easier to drive, so overall still glad I did it.

Jim's job was getting increasingly stressful for him and not making him happy anymore which isn't always the most important factor when providing for your family but honestly, I was sick of seeing him unhappy so...well....he hopped a plane to Alaska a few weeks ago to try his hand temporarily at fishing. I think he doesn't regret it (yet) but we're still trying to get a paycheck out of it so hopefully that comes soon.  I miss him terribly but I'm also enjoying seeing him try his hand at new things and get an adventure out of it.

I did pretty well for the first couple weeks with him gone but this last week was a hard one, can't lie about that I guess.  The girls are increasingly agitated and fight worse than they ever have before.  I think that's why I decided to blog today.  I'm feeling the need to vent or just put my feelings in writing I guess.  I don't want to resort to spanking and Jim recommended some scripture searching which is a good idea and sometimes I think I need to be reminded that I can find the answers I need if I just look in the right places.  Going to work on a new parenting strategy this week and figure out how to best handle it.  I know my sister and I fought terribly as kids and I'm sure this is some cyclic payback for what we put my mother through.  I know they will eventually figure out how to love each other but in the meantime, I need to figure out how to not beat their butts (which I haven't done yet, so it's a preemptive strike).

Ainsley just finished the 3rd grade with awesome grades.  Not only does she look just like me but apparently her brain is a lot like mine too.  She loves getting good grades, she has a crazy good memory, is a good test taker (her best week of school this year was AIMS week, seriously kid?), and she even got to be tested by the gifted program at her school.  Not sure if they're putting her in it but she had fun taking the tests anyway.

Caelan just had kindergarten graduation and I really am not a sentimental kind of girl but I have to admit I got a little weepy watching it.  My mom says it's because I'm getting close to my last little one and that's probably true.  She was darling, sang her little songs and had a great time.  She had a great teacher and a great first year of school.

I also moved the girls to a new school.  I'm hoping it's the last time.  We have definitely fallen in love with Tempe and I'm tired of the moving around.  I love their new school and it eradicated some problems we were having at the other one, which if I had paid more attention upon moving here, I never would have put them there in the first place.  I'm sure the school is fine but I think it just wasn't a good fit for me or for my girls.  They're happy where they are and Ainsley will be able to start playing her violin at school.  Gonna have to get a bigger size for her!

Quinn...what can I say about my little monster.  She is an amazing child and I truly understand now why she came to us when she did.  The first year of her life was the worst year that Jim and I have ever faced.  It was a nightmare that was only tolerated because of a very special spirit that Heavenly Father sent to us at a time when he knew we would need her.  She is the happiest, spunkiest, craziest, strangest child I have ever spent time with and I'm very grateful for her at the moment (probably in part because she's not old enough to fight with her sisters yet).

I've also come to a realization this week.  I don't like that I don't take pictures of them anymore so I'm going to attempt to be better at that, especially while Jim is gone because I don't want him to come back and be shocked that they've changed too much and maybe pictures will help.

Beginnings and Endings

Been a rough few days for me and for a lot of reasons I think.

Quinn had her first birthday and it was, as expected, a bittersweet realization.  My tiny little baby isn't so tiny anymore.  She growing and exploring and my days of cuddling my own little infant are done.  Thankfully, she still likes to cuddle, but it's different now.

We also had our ward Christmas party last night and I kind of lost it in the middle, I'm ashamed to say.  All these emotions came flooding in, remembering last year's party, remembering friends, Maricopa, what life was like a year ago, what I pictured my year was going to be like with Quinn and all the other expectations that come with reflections at the end of a year.

We really do have a great ward here but I'm still mourning the loss of what things used to be like I suppose.

Today was slightly better and I just have to constantly remind myself that everything happens for a reason and our trials in life are given to us not only because our Father in Heaven knows we can handle them but because there are lessons we must learn.

Relief Society today was on The Final Judgment and we will be judged on our actions and what is in our heart and I found it comforting to know that despite all the hurt that we've gone through this year, that our Heavenly Father knows our hearts and knows how hard we have tried despite falling short along the way.

A new year means a chance to make new goals, make new friends, go back to school, watch my baby start to walk, my 5 year old start to read, and my 8 year old learn to sew and I am determined to find the most joy in those things that I possibly can and to have the patience it takes to help these beautiful spirits conquer these small but important steps on their way to bigger and better things.

Tears

Actual tears.  I'm crying about weaning a baby.  Stupid.  I'm not ready.  I think my body is though.  I'm taking 9 fenugreek pills a day just to be able to nurse her twice a day?  She's 11 months and I should be proud of that accomplishment but sometimes this little part of me stamps her foot down and pouts and wants to scream "WHY CAN'T ANYTHING GO THE WAY I WANT IT TO GO!"

That doesn't mean that everything that happens is bad, it just means sometimes I want things to go the way I WANT them to go!  I wanted to make it to two years (yes, I'm sure some of you will be thinking gross, I don't care, breastfeeding is good.)

On a bright note, I finished project #2.  Headband made out of the sleeve of a t-shirt and some knit fabric scraps.

Goal time

I've decided that I'm going to make a goal of using all of my fabric stash by Christmas.  I'm banning myself from purchasing more in order to obtain this goal.  The only exception will be thread, elastic, etc.  NO FABRIC!  I have a decent stash of quilting cottons, several yards of knits, solid and print, some chiffon's and satins and lots of lace.

Should be interesting.  I would apologize in advance if you end up with a homemade Christmas gift, but I would be lying, mwahaha.

Project #1 is a quilt square for a Bai Jia Bei (100 good wishes quilt) for a dear friend hoping to adopt in the near future.  Pictures will follow each project.  And most will be for my girls of course.

Pictures

Priorities

Little Miss is growing just great!

At 10 months:
your child is 17.94 pounds, and that is
at the 17th percentile for weight.

She's on her hands and knees crawling now instead of the army crawl and is still getting the hang of cruising furniture.  She has had a few bumps on the coffee table but nothing to dampen her spirits.

The girls are still loving their new school and our new neighborhood and ward.  Ainsley's best friend across the street is unfortunately moving soon though.  It's been so great having a little friend so close so she will definitely be sad when they leave.

Caelan had her first over night sleepover with Grandma Patty and held up like a champ!  She was so proud of herself for staying all night long.

The new house is still coming along.  I feel like I haven't had the time to get it all put together but slow and steady wins the race right?

I'm anxious for the cooler weather, even more so since the AC in my car is acting up.  I figured I can put off fixing it until March as long as I can make it through the next few weeks.

The 'rents are thinking of ditching Christmas and spending the weekend at a friend's cabin instead.  The big kids could ski/snowboard, kids could go sledding.  I think it would be fun for sure.  I think it would make a memorable holiday for all of them/us.

I feel like there's more to update but of course, it's time to work.  So I'll get some pictures up real quick instead :)

Joy

Quinn is sick.  After I got approximately 3 hours of sleep last night, I was up at 5.  I finished worked, made breakfast hahs for the fam.  I got kids to school by 7:15.  Came home and played with sick but somewhat happy baby until 8:30.  We both laid down for a nap for a couple hours.  Quick visit to my sick mama to say hello.  Back home, made myself some leftover hash for lunch, worked for an hour.  Picked up kids at 2:35.  Got home by about 3 (after thinking my car was going to break down because it was emitting a horrible smell).  I worked for another 30 minutes while the girls kept themselves entertained.  Neighbor girl invited them over for an hour while dinner cooked (whole wheat calzone with prosciutto and pesto, DELISH) while Quinn napped again.

Girls got home and begged to go to hobby lobby because Ainsley wanted to make a princess mirror she saw online (sure, why not right?)  So I told them they could go if they cleaned the family room.  They obliged, spiffed up the family room, ate a quick slice of calzone and off we went to Hobby Lobby.

Kids behaved, chose their crafting supplies, I grabbed me a treat on the way home and now we're back, kids are in bed, Quinny is asleep, I'm almost done with work and it's only 8pm.

The kitchen didn't get cleaned and the laundry didn't get done but no one got yelled at, my beauties are happy (even the sick one) and I'm calling today a success.

Oh, and Jim is working late, but I saved him a big fat slice of dinner :)

Rolls

At 9 months:
your child is 17.2 pounds, and that is
at the 16th percentile for weight.
your child is 26 inches, and that is
at the 5th percentile for height.

Oldie

That header picture is getting old.  Time for a new one!  I don't have one yet, but you know, time for one.  I should work on that.

Oh, the joy that is full day school!  I can't even begin to describe how awesome it is.  Just me and Quinn, all day long.  Absolutely heaven!  I realized something though after a couple days, Quinn has no toys.  I think I took for granted how entertained they kept her all day long because she gets a little restless.  Thankfully someone donated some Peek-A-Blocks to the cause and she LOVES them!  Hooray for baby toys!

We are getting ready for Miss Ainsley's baptism.  She got to sit down and talk with Sister Boice today all about and about starting Activity Days.  I think I'm still full of those prego hormones because between Ainsley turning 8 and Caelan starting kindergarten, I feel like my emotions are a bit fragile.  I did NOT use to be this sappy!  Oh the horror!

Jim, as many of you know, found himself in need of employment.  The change is frustrating and the domino effect it has on our budget, our life, our family dynamic, but I'm trying to give myself credit and say that we're adjusting to it...well some of it.  The tighter budget is hard for me, but you know, I'm trying!

Caelan loves kindergarten and Ainsley loves 3rd grade.  Caelan already has a new friend.  Her name is Sedona and they hold hands and hug all day long, LOVE it!  Ainsley is adjusting well and her teacher is a good fit for her and her emotional nature.

Quinny the Pooh, well she's finally getting some chub on her (yay!) and she's a "real" baby now.  She's scooting around like crazy, can do a full split (no joke, I need to get a picture of it, just chills in the splits), and LOVES food.  Caelan and Ainsley were both still very much dependent on a boob/bottle still at this age, and she definitely likes herself some booby but her eyes light up when I come at her with a bowl of food!  She was a little iffy about some of the veggies at first but now will eat pretty much anything.  Her favorite is vanilla yogurt.  I still mix everything with rice because she's not so sure about the stronger flavors but I'm glad she's versatile with the veggie thing.

Miss Jordy is turning 16(!!!) next week.  I can hardly believe how grown up she's becoming.  Now to get that girl a driver's license!

Off to ponder guiltily about why I don't take more picture.

Sup, Fatty?

Check it out!  Finally getting some meat on her bones!!!!


At 8 months:
your child is 16.1 pounds, and that is
at the 12th percentile for weight.
your child is 26 inches, and that is
at the 12th percentile for height.

And lots to blog, will hopefully have more time now :)

For the record

your child is 14.6875 pounds, and that is
at the 7th percentile for weight.
your child is 26 inches, and that is
at the 26th percentile for height.

Hunter!

I get to have my Hanna tomorrow!  I'm so beyond excited to see her and the kids. 

Quinny had bananas mixed with a little cereal this morning and liked it even better than the first time.  Maybe the solid foods will put some meat on her bones.

Nana is in the hospital again with a second stroke so prayers would be appreciated.  Jonathan said kids aren't a good idea so Jim is going to see her today I think while he is in town.

It's good to be home but my stupid mattress is already killing my back.  A new mattress is not in the cards right now so I don't know what to do :(

Taking kiddos to the doctor tomorrow and then it's party time for all the Hunter kids.  Guthrie, Sullivan and Penelope joint birthday party.  Bring on the cake!

Solid as a Rock

Quinny got her first official solid food today and seemed to like and definitely did better at eating it than her bigger sisters did at this age. 

I can't believe she is six months old already!  This year is flying by and I do NOT approve!

Just got back from our annual Utah trip and had a ton of fun.  I will update on all we accomplished.

Back to the heat and I HATE it but I'm so happy to be home and we missed our daddy lots and lots.

Seriously???

At 5 months:
your child is 12.875 pounds, and that is
at the 7th percentile for weight.

We met with the doctor too and he said she was fine.  Gaining slowly but still gaining.  I think this makes her my smallest so far.  I like her being so small but I also feel like chubbier babies are healthier ones?  Not sure on that.

She's sick again too.  Fun stuff.  Just a little cold but still frustrating.

And she's teething.  More fun stuff.

Feeling less than functional lately.  Gonna try to pull out of it and get some sorta spring cleaning done.  Feeling the need to wash baseboards, dust fans, and clean air filters...go figure.

Pictures!!!! Win!!!!